No Really, I am Serious, Put Me In

I do a lot of joking about the fact that I should be put into professional/college games from time to time. But let's look back at my credentials. I played exactly one high school sport. Golf. Could I have played college golf, yes, but I decided to go to UNL and I could not have made that team... and lets face it, they are not exactly a dominant program. But I could have played DII golf had I wanted to. The rest of the sports are a different story. I played football in junior high, but I was 5'2" then and slow. There is no place for a slow tiny kid on the football field. I played basketball in junior high as well but did not make my high school team. Shocking a 5'2" kid missed out there as well. (I will caveat that by saying that I made the JV team and would have ended up on the team but my heart was not in it so I quit)

What about baseball? I played for years and years and the two things I took from it is that I was a really good pitcher and a terrible hitter. I could throw a mean hook and I could not hit one to save my life. I gave it up because I was a scratch golfer and they were both spring sports. I had a -1 handicap in golf and that is better than an above average curveball and a much much below average fastball especially in high school when you need to hit as well as pitch.

So there are tons of times when I kid around and say that me and 4 of my friends could go out and beat the Maine basketball team. I know for a fact that we would get dominated. Yet I think it is funny to say when the 'Cuse is struggling against a team it should dominate.

But that being said, I would stake a month of TV watching (and if you know me this is a big bet) on the fact that I would fare better than Ryan Franklin on the mound in the same number of innings he has pitched. Now sure, after a while I would regress towards the mean, but I have some serious advantages he does not. One, I believe I can throw a fastball about 59 MPH. Who is going to see that coming? And I can easily vary the speeds of my fastball. I can certainly toss one up there at about 50 MPH. FYI for those keeping track at home, batting practice pitchers throw about 70-78 MPH, and remember when they tried to screw up McGwire by throwing lob balls up there and it worked? I can do that with some actual late movement on the ball. Two, I can toss a wicked circle change at about 46 MPH. Try squaring up a pitch more than 40 MPH below anything you see in live action AND with a solid 15 MPH difference between that and the fastball. UNHITTABLE! Oh and it does not matter what your bat speed is, it will be tough to turn a 46 MPH change up into a homer. Three, I can actually still throw a 12-6 curve ball (kicked my nephew's ass with this last xmas). My curve looks like Darryl Kile with all the movement, just in super-slow motion. So I would have 3 pitches that would easily unnerve the best MLB hitters out there. If you are keeping track at home that is 3 more pitches than Ryan Franklin has right now.

Look, I will take the league minimum to test my theory. No problem there. But as is apparent, we need all of us to bring our 30-something asses out from retirement and start dominating hitters with our wicked, super slow stuff for the Cardinals relief staff to stand a chance this year. I believe we are on pace for 40 blown saves! This has to change. And it starts with removing Franklin, but I am not impressed with the rest of the staff, so:

"Put me in coach, I'm ready to play... today."